Attacks from Within

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Spoken Version: Attacks from Within

Failure.  Loser.  Waste of Time.  Waste of Space.  Disappointment.  Child.  Useless.  Inadequate.

These are the words that many of us hear everyday.

It may be from the mouth of a boss or coworker.  Maybe from our children or family.  Possibly even the occasional stranger.  However odds are that most of the time when we hear these words are the whispers from within.

You probably hear the words "Failure" and "Inadequate" uttered in your subconscious more than any other source.  I personally believe that the internal utterance is much more difficult to deal with.  We are our own toughest critic.  If we are told by a boss that we are a waste of space, it is possible to process by realizing "That is his opinion.  I do not like his opinion but I know I can work harder in the future.  His opinion does not affect me."  Now in no way am I ever suggesting that the words and opinions of others do not affect us.  The opinion of society, friends, and others is actually one of the main controlling forces in our lives and is often the reason that find ourselves not doing what we are supposed to be doing in the first place.

What I am saying is this:  when the idea of "inadequacy" comes from within, you perceive it as your own personal opinion.  The blockade of self-esteem is no longer there to protect from incoming attacks.  This assassin is already inside your heart, mind, and soul wearing you down until there is nothing left except, "I am inadequate."  This is the danger of the whispers.  The whispers get projected as the opinions of others as well.  It is no longer just you being hard on you, but every person you pass is now "disgusted" by you.  Nobody can even look you in the eye.  You just know that they talking about you when you not around.  You can feel their disappointment radiating off of them like light from the sun.  There is nothing for you to do; there is no purpose for you to be around.  It would be better if........

Many get caught in this downward spiral because they believe that those whispers are coming from themselves.  They are not.  They come from only one person...Satan.  The Lord of Deceit and Deception.  His job 24/7 is to haunt you and pick at you and nag you and nudge you and whisper lies to you.  And he is very good at his job; world and personal history can attest to that.  "Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?" (Ps 43:5)

But here is the answer:  "Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God" "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (Ps 43:5, 2 Cor 5:17).

You know what, Satan is right.  We were useless, inadequate, undeserving, and failures, but the old is gone and the new has come.  We are glorious shining lights of God's love.  WE ARE SONS AND DAUGHTERS OF THE LORD OF THE UNIVERSE. Our hope rests in him alone.

So when you hear those whispers, internal or external, it is just Satan trying to get you to forget who you are and your worth.  It is not a joking matter, but it is funny when you compare what we have to what is attacking us.

Hope in the Lord.

Direction to the Wall

I am not sure why God does the things that He does.  I suppose it has something to do with His Omnipotent, All-Powerful Sovereignty...or something.

I find myself at point in life where I can go just about anywhere and do just about anything.  Sad thing is that I am not being sarcastic or exaggerating.  The even sadder thing is that I find that frustrating.  I am currently reading two books, "Experiencing God" and "Circle Maker".  Both focus on how we as people interact with God through life and prayer.  I have found the books encouraging and frustrating.  I love the insights that they offer to God, but...let me give you an example.

"Circle Maker" focuses on prayer, big prayer.  It is written by a pastor that took a 15 member church in Washington D.C. to the of the nation's biggest and fastest growing churches with over 10 campuses in about 15 years.  The book revolves around the experiences of this church's growth.  The writer encourages the reader to "pray circles around things".  To keep praying until you get an answer.  To pray with authority to God knowing that He has laid it upon your heart to pray for such things.  The pastor even says that praying for small things insults God.  Again, I greatly appreciate the push to pray big knowing that we have a big God, but...let me give the story the book title is based on.

On one occasion when God did not send rain well into the winter (it rains mainly in the winter in Israel), Honi drew a circle in the dust, stood inside of it, and informed God that he would not move until it rained.  When it began to drizzle, Honi told God that he was not satisfied and expected more rain; it then began to pour.  Honi explained that he wanted a calm rain, at which point the rain calmed to a normal rain.

Honi told God what he wanted.  I love this story because it reminds me of the power that comes from the service of and personal relationship with God and the miracles that can happen when you believe.  But what about this...what if God wanted the famine to continue?  What if God wanted there to be hardship so that the people would learn reliance upon Him?  FLIP SIDE: What if God wanted Honi to pray that prayer so that Israel could be shown the might of the All-Mighty?  What if God so respects the requests of His Faithful that He changes His will to meet said prayers?

Do you get why I am so confused?

In my personal life experiences, God generally does things His way (as it should be).  It usually does not matter what I want or desire.  I see it like this:  If Honi's prayer is like walking up to a very large wall, demanding that that wall fall down, and waiting in one spot till it does, then my prayers and life are seeing the same wall and then trying to discern which way to (left or right) walk.

God has put lots of walls in my life.  I figure that if He wants them there then there is nothing that I can do to knock them down, and if He wants them down, they will come down.  I have lived with the mentality that even if the wall does not fall, I will walk in the direction that I feel the Lord moving me, until I find a door or the wall does come down.  I just do not like to sit.

Explanation:  There is nothing wrong with sitting and resting in God, the "sitting" I am referring to is the concept that we are not able to do ministry until we make it past that wall.  My senior year of college I was the Jr. and Sr. High Youth Pastor at my church.  It was the best year of my life.  I was rattling the gates of hell daring Satan to come and take on me and my God and my kids were right there with me. I saw what God could do in the lives of youth through my life and my teaching.  I was shaking the foundations of the world.  Now I feel like I am not.  I am doing great things for the Kingdom where I am now, but...it is just not "My Way".  I would like to get back into a youth pastor or teaching/speaking role, to get across the wall and rattle those gates and shake the foundation of the world again....but for now I walk.

Here is the thing: I am doing incredible things now.  My walking includes interactions with community members, troubled kids, their parents, pastors, teachers, cashiers, garbage men, librarians, etc.  Everything that I do glorifies God (at least it should).  

I believe that someday there will be a day that I will find my way to the other side of the way, whether by door or a crumpling, and it will be glorious.  But until that day, I am fulfilling my calling and duty as a Child of God by worshipping Him with my life.

An obedient life is the greatest form of worship.  Romans 12:1-2.

KISS

KISS is a math term that I learned early on.  It stands for Keep It Simple Stupid.  There purpose of the anagram is to remind the struggling mathematician that often complex problems can be solved with the simple application of basic mathematical methods.  Calculus III problems came down to Algebra and Geometry (just with more steps).

KISS.

I have also heard it used in other contexts.  We as humans like to over complicate life.  I am not sure if it is out of a desire for the grandeur or some need to show great intelligence through complex theories and processes.  Big problems should have big answers...right?  It just makes sense....doesn't it?

While it is not Biblical by any means (the author was an aethist), "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" offers one of my favorite examples of this phenomenon.

This highly advanced race of aliens created an enormous computer for the sole purpose of answering one question: THE Answer, the answer to life, the universe, and everything.  They ask the computer this question, and the computer says that it will take awhile to calculate so they should back in 7 million years for THE Answer.  The aliens were not very happen but they did have much of a choice so they waited.  When the great day of THE Answer came, the whole planet was in a buzz.  They were all ready to know the answer to life, the universe, and everything (they had been patiently waiting for 7 million years).  The computer woke up from its extended calculating session and reported that it had successfully calculated THE Answer.  The computer said, "THE Answer, the answer to life, the universe, and everything is...42."

Sometimes the answers to life's problems are simpler than we can imagine or even comprehend.

Jesus (the ultimate computer) gave us a similar answer.  Man asks, "What is the answer to my life plan, my family, my health, my wealth, my success, my comfort, my service, my faith, the future, life, the universe, and everything?"

Jesus responds, "You are not alone, because the Father is with you."

Keep It Simple Stupid.

"yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me."     - John 16:32b

Why?

I hate it.  I really hate it.  It just never seems to be right.  I try so hard and yet here I am...back where I started.  Haven't I spent the last seven months of my life climbing out of this hole?  Have I not been learning, growing, and strengthening.  Then why am I here.

I hate the things that I do.  I understand the paradox of success by failure, growth by fire, shining by darkness, etc.  I get it.  I have had enough experiences in my life to get it.  I AM NOT IN CONTROL.  I do understand.  Then why does THIS hurt SOOOOOO much?

Why does my stomach feel like I am going to throw up?  Why does my body feel weak and shaky?  WHY DO I FEEL SO BAD?  SO WORTHLESS?

If I know that God uses every bad situation to His glory has "a plan to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11), then why am I wallowing in misery?

Does this mean that I have no faith?
Am I a bad Christian?
Do I not care about my life or how I affect others?
Have I strayed?
Is my prayer life not strong enough?
Do I need to up my morning devotionals to an hour a morning to compensate?

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?  WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE SOMEONE JUST HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WITH A 2X4?!!?!


where are you God?



I may never know the purpose of this time of life or the countless more I am sure will come....but there is hope.

We can continue to live.......because my God is strong, and I am weak......because I am man, and He is God.......because I am finite, and He is infinite........because He is the Father, and I am the child.......because He loves us.

I pray that God may give you the strength to carry you through whatever (insert title of time that fits the above description) moment for the dawn comes with the morning.  There is always an end to the endless storm.  There is a light at the end of the unlit tunnel.  There is relief for the continuous pain.

because....................................................there is a God.



"yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me" John 16:32

Dayenu

"Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me - to keep me from exalting myself!  Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.  And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."                                                - Paul       2 Corinthians 12:7-10  (NASB)

Paul thanks God for a thorn in his side.  He PRAISES and THANKS God for giving him this illness/temptation/learning disability/injury/anger/poverty/etc so that it might be HE that is great, and not Paul. He is grateful for that constant reminder to be humble, to not exalt his OWN accomplishments and successes.

Paul asks God to take away the thorn in his side.  Thorns hurt and are not comfortable...nobody really enjoys thorns and pain.  Paul asks three times for the thorn to be removed.  God answers, "My grace is SUFFICIENT for you..."  Paul needs nothing else for he has God's SUFFICIENT grace.

Paul boasts in his weakness for that is when he is the strongest.  When Paul is weak, there is God.  When Paul is hungry, he must feed on God.  When Paul is dumb, he must learn from God.  When Paul is poor, he must bank on God.  When Paul is hurt and tired, he must rest in God.  When Paul is strong, there is less room for God.  When we have holes and troubles, we allow there to be MORE room for God to do the work.  We can no longer depend on ourselves.  Paul will be weak so God can be strong.

Paul is CONTENT.  This is a forgotten word. Content equals satisfied.  We talk about being content (satisfied) with our jobs, paycheck, spouse, family, house, etc...finding joy in the small things.  Paul is CONTENT with WEAKNESS, INSULTS, DISTRESS, PERSECUTION, AND DIFFICULTIES.  Paul is SATISFIED with the worst of this world.  Paul is CONTENT with suffering.  "for when I am weak, then I am strong."  Paul understands where his strength comes from.

Are we content with weakness?  Too short, too slow, too dumb, too insignificant.  Are we content with insults?  Loser, washed-up, late, inadequate, weak, useless, waste of space.  Are we content with distress and difficulties?  Broken washer, special needs child, unemployment, divorce, death, drugs, alcohol, pornography, stress at work, bad boss, little money, sickness, disability.  Are we content with persecution?  Rejection, litigation, rumors, threats, physical/emotional/spiritual attacks, rebelling children.

"In the Jewish Passover there is a response by the family proclaiming their gratitude to God.  They say 'If the Lord had merely rescued us, but had not judged the Egyptians', dayenu!  'If He had only destroyed their gods, but had not parted the Red Sea,' dayenu!  'If He had only drowned our enemies, but had not fed us with manna,' dayenu!  'If He had only led us thorugh the desert, but had not given us the Sabbath,'  dayenu   'If He had only given us the Torah, but not the land of Israel,'  dayenu   What does dayenu mean?  It means, 'It would have been sufficient.'  To be grateful for what God gives us and expect no more (or less) is a blessed perspective.  Be thankful for what you have.  If God has given it to you, DAYENU!"
                                                                                      - Stuart Pederson

If God has given it to you...whether good or bad...easy or hard...painful or comforting...DAYENU.

I love my Dad

I love my dad.

This seems like a basic, ordinary statement that a good son should say about their father.  The whole “I love my dad” phrase is so worn out these days, so it is difficult for me to explain to you that I LOVE MY DAD. 

My dad is Stuart Pederson.  To some that means nothing, but to many that has power.  The name of Stuart Pederson carries this whole ideology with it.  If you think “Stuart Pederson”, several things may come to mind: generosity, compassion, kindness, servant, prayer warrior, optimist, man of God, encourager, passionate, morally uncompromising, loving, friendly, a rock, mentor, pastor, handy-man, etc.  You get the point.  My dad has affected this world, mine and others, in a way that few men in history have.

This little article comes from two places: 1. I work in a Group Home and see the results of poor fathers 2. I live in Henderson, NE (where my family lived and my dad was a pastor from 1996-1999).  As I try to teach teenage boys discipline, pride, courage, resiliency, humility, and everything else it takes to be a man, I cannot help but look back on what my father did for me. 

He would not let me watch Scooby-Doo or SpongeBob because they were bad influences.  I was required to go to church every Sunday and give half or all of my $1 allowance to the offering.  I was not allowed to watch R-rated movies and had to look at him anytime anything less modest than a one-piece swimsuit appeared.  We had to recite “Look them in the eye, talk loudly, and pleases and thank-yous” EVERY time that we visited friends or relatives.  I did not have a gaming system or cell phone until I was 16.  I had to do chores without reimbursement.  We ate out at a restaurant maybe once or twice a month, if we were lucky.  Saturdays were “Forced Family Fun”, aka chores and work.  I was spanked when I was disobedient.  I wore hand-me-downs, thrift store, and Wal-Mart for my entire childhood.  My Christmas presents were never more than $40 in value.  I was required to eat every meal at home with the family.  I could not brag.  I could not be rude.  I would get pulled out of athletics if I did not share the ball.

My dad (and mom) did these horrible things to me…I am going to do the same to my kids.

I was walking through church on Sunday and ran into the mayor of Henderson, and I asked him how he was doing and he responded, “Better than I deserve.”  I said, “That is funny.  My dad says the same thing to that question.”  He said, “That is where I got it from.”

My family moved from Henderson 12 years ago.  This is the power and weight that comes with the name of Stuart Pederson.  The outright life-altering changes that come from even incidental contact.  Growing up, I was known as “Stuart’s son”.  It used to annoy me at first, then it just became a joke.  Of the four children, I am the most like my dad: in looks, speech, personality, quirks, awkwardness, etc.  I used to always say that I was basically my dad as a joke.  Now that is my biggest honor in life.  My heart bursts with Joy when people tell me that I talk, pray, even read the Bible like him.  I am not my dad.  I am my own unique individual for whom God has his own plans and course completely different from that of my father.  Yet, I want nothing more in life than to live as he has.  For if I can do that, I will glorify God in all, love my wife completely, raise Christ-like children, and shine the love of God to all.

I love my dad and he is not perfect.  But how great is it that we all have a Father who does not sin, does not make mistakes, will not die or lie?  I love my dad, but he is only a weak, insignificant reflection of our Heavenly Father.  John 3:16.  "For God so loved the world that He sent His Son into the world that whoever might believe in him will not perish but have everlasting life." There is no greater honor than being a child of God and hearing you talk, walk, and live like you Father.  This should be our greatest joy in life and our sole purpose.

Father,

Thank you for everything.  I have not always responded the best to Your love or adoration or discipline or guidance.  Sometimes I got so focused and stuck I could not realize that You only wanted what was best for me even though it hurt for a time.  You have always loved me.  For my entire life You have been there to protect and advise me.  You sacrificed so much pleasure, freedom, and personal gain so that I might live better.  So many times I ignored You at the least and rejected You at the most.  I was never worthy of Your gifts and patience.  Through the dark and the light times, You were there…waiting for me to come home to your arms.  I love You.

                                                                                                                                Your Child,

                                                                                                                                Stephen

(I love you Stuart Pederson)

Bankruptcy

https://www.dropbox.com/s/1e9e28retxrubwb/Chp%20XII%20Bankruptcy.wav

Time to file spiritual bankruptcy.